Eight lessons I learned to be a desirable grandma to my grandchildren, children and MYSELF!
Our grandsons came into our lives and swept me clean off my feet. They unwittingly provided me with the mirror I needed to re-examine myself, and I learned some valuable lessons which I’ll humbly share with you. I am a young-ish grandmother who could rock them to sleep before they were old enough to self-soothe and fall asleep independently. They are my grandchildren but bear our collective ancestors’ DNA, and I get glimpses of a long lineage full of wisdom and kindness in their eyes.
How could I possibly do anything less than pour my whole being into their light and life, doing everything humanly possible to help my daughter with them when they arrived into this world? I couldn’t cuddle, kiss, hug, and sniff their baby chubbiness enough. Never! Being a grandmother was intoxicating for me. What’s different now with my grandchildren than when I stayed at home with my own? I loved being their mother but had competing chores and responsibilities to run a household smoothly and safely. Now I have the luxury of having a comfortable and secure life that lets me be with grandkids worry-free, not having the same financial or life challenges I had with my children.
I am content, yet after three years of being a grandma, I began to feel a gnawing and tugging at my heart. My “writing baby” is crying at my feet; it calls me, needing me to answer its hungry cry. I am a writer, an author, and writing is what I must do to nourish my soul.
I must continue my Dragons Don’t Dance work while sharing my life experiences and lessons with readers on being a grandmother and writer.
The first topic I feel compelled to write about is how I’ve learned to be a “desirable” grandmother, not only just my grandkids but my daughter and, equally important myself. Let me explain by using the ubiquitous keyword “boundary.” It has been overused for a concise and good reason for our safety. It is a complex concept to learn and observe and requires vigilant practice, especially if one comes from a culture that promotes everyone to be “pleasers” who would do almost anything to avoid conflicts and please others. I’m one of those people. My culture taught me, and I obeyed, to internalize selflessness as a virtue; pouring myself to serve others, wanting to have some things for myself would be selfish.
However, from my early experience of being a new grandmother of three years, I’m learning to observe the following boundaries to have a successful relationship with my daughter, son-in-law, grandchildren, and MYSELF!
Eight lessons I learned to be a “desirable” grandmother
(For my daughter I wish to share with you)
Stay in our lane, and let the new parents dictate the flow and activities of the childcare and feeding.
Only offer guidance when asked.
Ask first, then do the households chores they need help doing or finishing.
Alternatively, ask, how can I be most useful/helpful?
Be supportive of the parents in both verbal and nonverbal communications. Our body language and words must agree.
Be a good listener. Breathe. Don’t overtalk or judge.
Give new parents space and time to learn from their mistakes; act promptly only if it’s a life-threatening situation!
Offer to bring food, toys, and clothes and ask for their preference first. Give them the option that you’ll keep them at your house if they don’t have room at theirs.
Bonus! Three lessons for the grandparents’ mental health and wellness:
Make time and stick with our personal growth, fulfillment, and self-care schedules. Don’t pour everything into the grandchildren and become an empty vessel, physically, emotionally, or financially. It’s exhausting and unhealthy for everyone involved.
Understand that this is not our do-over. Be there to listen, watch, love, learn and grow with them.
We encourage our children and grandchildren to implement and respect their needs and boundaries freely and lovingly by observing that we respect ours with care.
Extra Bonus!
I learned a critical lesson from Jane Isay’s Unconditional Love Book, like it or not, it is to “court” your daughters-in-law FOREVER, or as long as we want and need access to our grandchildren, haha, for they hold the key to our sweethearts.
I hope my learned lessons are helpful to you or someone you know. Grandparenting is a beautiful gift, and I’d love to see my friends and family flourish in theirs. I would love and welcome your grandparenting experience. Please kindly share your thoughts and lessons learned with us. Thank you.
HoangChi Truong, Author
